Flushed

I just have to preface this post by saying I swear I'm not this obsessed with toilets at home! But the toilets in The States are just so hum drum. I'm talking seriously boring toilets. They don't possess any of the glitz and glamor the Japanese loos do. Oh, and when I say glitz and glamor I mean a multitude of buttons that do a multitude of amazing things. I do not mean the toilets are bedazzled. Oooooh. Bedazzled toilets...

As many of you know, Japanese toilets and I got off on the wrong foot (*please go to the bottom of this post to be filled in, if necessary). But we have since resolved our differences, and I am able to write about their finer points without a hint of a grudge.

This afternoon I was browsing at Matsuzakaya, an upscale, ten floor, department store when nature called. I walked into the gal's room, and was shocked to see the toilet pictured above. I have used such a toilet in Turkey, but did not expect to have to build up my thigh muscles in a store that sells $900 Coach purses. Also, it was the first toilet I'd seen without a heated seat and multifunction bidet system. But, since this is Japan, it wasn't your average squatter: Once you're nice and hovered, the toilet senses your presence and automatically triggers a fake flushing sound. You know, so no one hears anything. I don't like this! It makes me feel like I'm trying to cover something up that's not even happening. I had the strong urge to scream "I'm only peeing! I'm only peeing!" But no one would have heard me anyway. That fake flush sound is pretty loud.

*My Toilet and my Eye: My hotel toilet has a bidet and I decided to give it a try this morning. Wouldn't you?? So I'm sitting there and I push the "spray" button - but then I thought maybe I did something wrong, so I started to get up. Just then the bidet sprays ... RIGHT INTO MY EYE! Straight fucking shot!! Toilet eye! Toilet eye! Ew! Let this be a public service announcement regarding the dangers of bidets. Hey friends, DON'T let this happen to you.